Have you ever felt stuck? You sit there and think and you’re just stuck. Have you ever felt like no matter how hard you push to do something, it just seems unattainable? We try and try to not compare ourselves to others but sometimes we do. Social media has contributed in a major way, yes, but when we exit the timelines, what are we left with? What thoughts are we harboring? We try to conceal and parade a facade as if some of us aren’t broken down, tired, and filled with anxiety. 

 Anxiety, that’s an entirely different monster to handle. I’ll never understand how people glamourize depression and anxiety like it’s an accessory you get to choose when to wear. The truth is, anxiety can be crippling. Anxiety will have your mind racing and your heart trying to keep up with it. It’s hard to bounce back when you feel so much pressure. The pressure to be the “strong friend”, to be the one everyone can depend on, or the one who is always there for everyone. But when everyone leaves and it’s just you and your thoughts, what are you feeling about yourself? 

Depression is more than just sitting in darkness. Sometimes it’s not cleaning your room for days at a time. Sometimes it’s mustering enough strength to fake a smile at work for the sake of “keeping it together” or crying to yourself when no one is around. Depression takes no days off. When you have to handle everyday life occurrences on top of trying to heal through past experiences, fallouts, or deaths. Depression doesn’t care who you are or what you’re already dealing with. Depression can feel like such a weight that doesn’t get any lighter some days. Some days you’re fine, other days it can feel like your world is crashing. 

Personally, I’ve had to be strong for way too long. I’ve had to keep it together for far too long. I can’t fake as if I’m not feeling anything. I’ve felt so much the last few years. I’ve lost 3 major people in my life and I’ve tried to continue to be strong because that’s what I’m supposed to be. But I’m here to say, I’m not as strong as people have labeled me. I have anxiety and depression. I’ve endured so much mentally and emotionally between certain work circumstances and other outside factors. I get depressed when I think about how hard I worked for my degree and can’t find a job in my field yet..5 YEARS after graduation. I am strong but sometimes I can’t be the strength when everyone thinks I should be. I miss my grandparents. I miss my daddy. Some days I feel like I can handle it, other days I feel like a failure for not being as far ahead as I feel I should. 

I hold so much in because I think I can’t exhale from the fear of judgement. But, I don’t care anymore. I am not ok, and that is more than ok. I will continue to do what is right for my mental health. I will continue therapy . I will continue to pray for guidance. Everything that I can’t control I have to learn to release. I can’t fly on broken wings. 

Thanks for listening